January 2, 2025
It’s been a year since my dad died. If you yourself are acquainted with grief you may understand me a bit in when I say that though it has gotten easier, there are times when I wish I could call him to discuss something and I can’t. There are times when my brain, unbidden, plays out the sudden way he
died-which I try to stop immediately when it happens. I miss his presence on earth.
We were not particularly close and later in life incidents from childhood surfaced that brought with them deep pain and hurt. But these incidents also were clues as to why I made choices that I did that I didn’t understand before. I forgave him but my feelings were another matter. Slowly, slowly Jesus
helped me heal. He unfolded the hurt in me and eventually I saw my dad through His eyes, through the lens of love. Love that goes beyond me. Love that is miraculous. Though I summed that up quickly, arriving there was NOT a quick journey in the least. And I wanted to arrive there and sometimes I preemptively thought I had but there was more to deal with. I learned healing is an ongoing process. One can arrive at a place of total love and forgiveness and pain can still surface. I learned not to stuff that pain that surfaced but to question it and deal with it, with Jesus. Most of my life I practiced the opposite: stuffing pain not realizing that is like getting a deep gash on your body but not dealing with it or pretending like it’s not there. Over time it begins to get infected and maybe even gangrenous or
septic-it has to be dealt with.
A couple of months before he died I felt to invite him to Thanksgiving with my family. This prompting was brought on by Holy Spirit and I know that because it wasn’t a thought I would have and it would involve driving an extra six hours as he didn’t have a car and would need a ride to and from
Thanksgiving. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of that much time in the car with him as conversation with him often involved him talking at me about things that interested him but I had become changed by the lens Jesus gave me for him and I saw him through that lens so this time with him was different. I cared more about what he shared. I tried to connect to it. He was grateful for the time with all of us. He seemed to feel loved by it. I was grateful too. I didn’t feel like “I did him a favor” rather that I got a gift in
that time with him.
January 2nd , 2024 he died. Looking back I’m deeply grateful for the prompting to invite him to Thanksgiving and for everyone else in my family to be on board with his attendance. This was our last time with him on earth. It was a really good day and probably the best it could’ve been. This invitation was the work of the Lord and He knew the urgency of it that not one of us could have. So why am I writing this? I felt to write this a few days ago to urge you, dear reader to search your heart and ask if there is anyone you feel led to spend some time with that maybe you rather wouldn’t. If you know Jesus, ask Him to show you. If there is healing that needs to happen or forgiveness for one that has hurt you, He can help with that. Is there someone in your life that could use your encouragement? Or your words of love? When someone close to you passes it becomes so evident how short our time on earth is and letting people know how you feel about them and the gift of their life in your life is HUGE! And maybe that is a hard step for you to take as you feel someone should do that for you instead but let me leave off with this and it’s sort of a riff of a well known quote: when you bring forward light you unlock others to bring it forward as well. When you let people know what they mean to you, really, you help them see the value in doing the same. And maybe they will or maybe they won’t tell you how they feel about you, you don’t own that part. But I can’t tell you the peace I have now from taking that step to follow the prompting to invite my dad to Thanksgiving and the goodness of the time we got together
that ensued. I did get to tell my dad what he meant to me before he died.
Tag: Healing
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I remember falling in love with Song of Songs from the Passion Translation. I read it at a time that was fitting in my life. I was so longing for more and more of Jesus and as I read Song of Songs I found words to express my heart. But I was surprised that He had words about His heart for me. I remember reading chapter 1:11 “We will enhance your beauty, encircling you with our golden reins of love. You will be marked with our redeeming grace.” My heart soared at these words! Could they be true? I mean, I have a harried past…I made many choices in my past that were dark and brought darkness into my life. I couldn’t believe that these words were for me, yet part of me and probably a larger part of me did.
Ezekiel 16 is a extremely descriptive picture of how God picked up abandoned Israel in her darkness and filth, an abandoned child and loved her into beauty and greatness. Again, I was struck with how the words hit my heart similarly to Song of Songs in that I felt an echo of His love that way in my life. The closer I drew to Him the more the darkness fell off and beauty came instead. And I mean that in that I healed and saw the world so differently than before.
Francine Rivers, a compelling author who has this amazing ability to draw you into her stories through words, wrote a book called Redeeming Love and very well summed up what my heart felt. It’s a play off the story of Hosea in the bible. The character in the book and now movie, Michael Hosea takes a prostitute for a wife named Angel. She is broken and wounded and very dark and sees the world very darkly. She believes that Michael has an agenda, the same that every man she’s known has had: sex. But that’s not his agenda. In fact, he pursues her because he felt the Lord tell him to. And so begins this journey of Angel’s rescue by Michael and him loving her despite her running away and fighting him at every turn and he just continues to pour love into her. She can’t understand this love without agenda. What is this? Like, what do you want from me? I’ve felt this in my life. I’m guessing most people have. What if we as people loved like Michael Hosea? I can hear the objections rising: that’s not healthy! But the bible says, we love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). Is there a love that exists for us that we have yet to understand and unearth? Some have and maybe some have gotten tastes of it but went back to forgetting, I know I have done that. But is it possible to learn to live in this love? And then offer it to others. If one lays their life down and chooses to follow the Lord wholeheartedly, they’re dead to their flesh so the worldly principles of what’s healthy and not healthy no longer apply as they’re operating from a different kingdom. This type of love is a love that knows no offense. This isn’t perfect and one can offer that love and still go back to being in their flesh and mess it up. That’s what Jesus’ beautiful grace is for. But we can practice this love! We can learn to receive from Him and then give it away and love without end.
Jesus loves us and if we allow Him to He will love us deeper and deeper and deeper still. And each level of this love journey we go on with Him releases more love into us and we transform. You can’t stay the same in the presence of that kind of love. What’s beautiful is as you receive His love you begin to see yourself the way He does. And then you begin to see others differently too. You begin to fall in love with everything! All of creation bears witness to Jesus! And that He died for us. Even the food we eat was once alive and now provides us with sustenance emulates this story (this is a borrowed revelation, but how cool is it?! Have you ever thought about that?!).
A very wise man of God said, you empower what you give attention to and I’ve lived this of late. As I live with attention on what could go wrong, I empower what could go wrong…when I shift my focus off of that and instead look at Jesus and then the world, I only see beauty. In painful words hurled at me from someone I love, I can see their pain in them and love them past those words and that love breaks down the pain and they then feel loved and seen (this is often after the fact and sometimes well after the fact). Love is the most powerful force in the world. It can change and shift EVERYTHING!!!
I’m not talking about a pithy, selfish love that seeks something for itself…no, this love is completely unselfish and at the expense of the giver…but that is what it is to die to oneself and live now in the resurrection power of Christ. You may look foolish, stupid or ridiculous to the world but I guess the same could be said about Jesus as He went to His death on our behalf when He could’ve easily escaped it. But He subjected Himself to it out of love. When you live in the love of Christ you’re dead to self so in a way shielded to the ways that offering such a selfless love could hurt you. There’s so much out there today about protecting oneself and being on guard against toxic people and I think that is wise advice when one is living in the flesh, but when one chooses to follow Christ and die to self all manmade wisdom goes out the door with the death as that one now walks in a different kingdom and the rules and laws that apply to the world kingdom no longer apply to heaven’s kingdom or walking in the heavenly realm. I’m not suggesting putting oneself in a toxic or harmful situation but I believe this type of love is supernatural and shifts things and has more power than we yet realize. I’ve struggled with these thoughts for the past few years because there is this disparity or dissonance of living in the world but not of it or choosing to die to self and live in Christ. Romans 8: 5 says, Those who are motivated by the flesh only pursue what benefits themselves. But those who live by the impulses of the Holy Spirit are motivated to pursue spiritual realities.”
Also, the alternative is terrible. Living in a place of bitterness or unforgiveness, sadness or depression is exhausting though it can oddly feel comforting because it’s what this world is used to. It’s the record that has been played over and over and over again for generations. Learning to love in union with Jesus plays an entirely new record and will change the world. You can begin this by simply talking to Jesus. Be real and honest with Him and let Him know what’s on your heart and listen for Him. This simple conversation will be the beginning of the greatest love story you could ever imagine.
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